Diving Into Your Shadow

In early fall Spirit communicated to me that I was to stay in Delaware for most of the winter when I usually leave right after Christmas for somewhere warm.  When Spirit talks I listen.  There were a few frigid days where I was cursing and questioning all of this!  But let me tell you there is deep knowledge in the dark and cold of winter.  I've been on this healing and spiritual journey for over 2 decades with it exponentially increasing the past 2 years.  I thought I had done all the healing I needed, but alas, there is always more to be done.  It happens in layers. 

The winter and holidays definitely triggered me.  I got very sick with Covid and illness went through my family disrupting the normal rhythm of our holiday festivities.  I was alone for most of the holidays.  But I needed to be alone.  I actually love being alone.  If you're not comfortable being alone, perhaps it is because you're not comfortable with yourself. This is something to consider.

I wasn't sad or down over the holidays.  I felt like I was in a void or in a holding pattern.  The triggering allowed me to go deeper in to my healing.  It allowed me to pull back more layers of my shadow and connect to her and merge with her.  You may think I'm saying this figuratively, but Spirit guided me to where I literally merged with her in a ceremonial manner.   I healed myself from past life trauma.  Trauma I was carrying around impacting me that I wasn’t even aware of it. I experienced a huge release and shift in frequency. My body is buzzing and I truly KNOW I am continuing to uncover gifts to help others navigate this Earth. I am so grateful and blessed.

I've always been a big proponent of diving into your dark side.  With recently being more connected to the spiritual community I notice where much of healing and ascension has a theme of  "love and light".  The main focus is to move towards the light or surround yourself with light.  You're feeling a negative emotion transmute it with light and it will go away.  The problem with this is it can potentially be nothing more than continuing to suppress your negative emotions by excess positivity.  You may feel relief in the short term or have the satisfaction that you're healing, but in reality nothing gets solved.  The feelings will surface again and the same negative patterns will repeat themselves until you face them. Face the darkness.  Face the shadow.  She must be integrated to make you whole.  It's a balance.  Being too far on either side hinders your healing process.

What is your shadow?  Your shadow self is the part of your personality such as toxic traits that are hidden in your subconscious and suppressed by your ego self.  You hide her from yourself and others because you feel ashamed or judgmental about her and your ego doesn't want to accept her.  Shadow work is exposing this part of yourself and staring her straight in the face and potentially getting to the root of why she exists.  You can then acknowledge, accept, and love this part of yourself and integrate her into your being.  It allows you to become whole and will lead you to healing and peace and a more authentic life.  This is hard work and why most will avoid it.  You have to face that ugly, toxic part of yourself.

Here are signs that may indicate you haven't faced your shadow.

• Overreacting or getting triggered by others or situations

• Feeling jealousy, embarrassment, guilt, rejection, judgmental, or shame

• Focusing too much on positivity

• Inability to apologize

• Inability to authentically share how you're feeling

• Repeating negative patterns

• Having pet peeves towards others

Integrating your shadow is a journey.  No therapist, no spiritual guru, no life coach can do this for you.  They can potentially assist, but you must be brave enough to face her yourself.  The more you integrate your shadow you will create a deeper self-awareness, be more self-accepting, break negative cycles, tap into your creativity, improve relationships, and heal past life and generational trauma. 

I know this phrase is overused, but you cannot have light without darkness.  You must have both to be balanced and healthy.  It’s the Yin and the Yang.  It's the feminine and masculine.  It's the moon and the sun.  Our planet is lacking the beautiful, dark, delicious, destructive and creative power of the Feminine.  We must all embrace it and tap into it. 

My first exposure to my shadow was in 2000 when I had a serious bout of depression.  As I came out of that depression I wrote the following poem.

The Dark Follower

By the light of the day, your soul is uncovered.

You want to hide, but there is no shelter.

All around you is a feeling of hopelessness.

It’s like swimming in a sea of desperation,

constantly trying to find peace.

Unbalanced, twisting, relentless isolation,

overpowering your sense of being.

Beaten down by an unidentified dark shadow.

No way out of this above ground cave.

Eventually the light will come,

Not always in a pleasant way.

The pain will become dormant, never

completely ceasing.

It remains as a reminder—A reminder

of the dark follower.

While I faced many demons during this time period which led to the beginning of me living authentically, I still had work to do.  Most of which has been done in the past 5 years.  I recently wrote the poem below.

These days I reflect more and react less

I sit beside myself observing and diving into the black hole of pain instead of engaging triggers

Pain from trauma that has been experienced, passed down or programmed into me for lifetimes 

Journeying to the depths of my shadow to understand who I am

Who am I?

I am stardust, I am crystal, I am galaxies, I am wonder, I am nature, I am light

I’m also darkness.  A shadowy figure made of rejection, abandonment, control, and judgment that lurks around waiting for my nervous system to flinch

I breathe, I gaze, I imaginatively wrap myself in Mother Earth, life force energy, and love. I bring forward the gifts handed down from my ancestors and gained along my soul’s journey

I acknowledge, I accept, I integrate 

Who am I?

I am a warrior, I am a healer, I am human, I am love, I am fucking magic

I am all of it.

When triggered by someone or something (triggered meaning a negative emotion is elicited) or in general feeling heavy emotions I will do the following:

1. Step away from the situation and center myself by taking deep breaths or doing a short meditation

2. I go into observation or witness mode almost as if I'm a third party to the situation

3. I take note of all the emotions I'm feeling

4. I detach from them for a bit and let them float around in front of me observing them one by one

5. I take each one and ask "when have I felt this before?",  "How often?", "Is it always the same situation?"

6. I conduct some analysis to a degree based on the answers above to determine if I can get to the root of the emotions.  Sometimes I do get an answer. The further down the healing path I go, the more I am able to get to the root of why I am triggered.  95% of the time my emotions have nothing to do with the actual situation that triggered me.  Even If I don't come to answers on why this is happening I still do the next step.

7. I literally treat the emotions as if they are beings and tell them I acknowledge they are a part of me, I accept them,  and I love them.  And I put my arms out around them and pull them into me.

Another step to becoming whole.