Diving Into Your Shadow
Shadow work is essential to any spiritual journey, ascension, and healing. Many choose to repress negative emotions and thoughts to appease the ego. This part of ourselves must be integrated in order to become whole. Learn what is your shadow and tools to help integrate your shadow into your being.
In early fall Spirit communicated to me that I was to stay in Delaware for most of the winter when I usually leave right after Christmas for somewhere warm. When Spirit talks I listen. There were a few frigid days where I was cursing and questioning all of this! But let me tell you there is deep knowledge in the dark and cold of winter. I've been on this healing and spiritual journey for over 2 decades with it exponentially increasing the past 2 years. I thought I had done all the healing I needed, but alas, there is always more to be done. It happens in layers.
The winter and holidays definitely triggered me. I got very sick with Covid and illness went through my family disrupting the normal rhythm of our holiday festivities. I was alone for most of the holidays. But I needed to be alone. I actually love being alone. If you're not comfortable being alone, perhaps it is because you're not comfortable with yourself. This is something to consider.
I wasn't sad or down over the holidays. I felt like I was in a void or in a holding pattern. The triggering allowed me to go deeper in to my healing. It allowed me to pull back more layers of my shadow and connect to her and merge with her. You may think I'm saying this figuratively, but Spirit guided me to where I literally merged with her in a ceremonial manner. I healed myself from past life trauma. Trauma I was carrying around impacting me that I wasn’t even aware of it. I experienced a huge release and shift in frequency. My body is buzzing and I truly KNOW I am continuing to uncover gifts to help others navigate this Earth. I am so grateful and blessed.
I've always been a big proponent of diving into your dark side. With recently being more connected to the spiritual community I notice where much of healing and ascension has a theme of "love and light". The main focus is to move towards the light or surround yourself with light. You're feeling a negative emotion transmute it with light and it will go away. The problem with this is it can potentially be nothing more than continuing to suppress your negative emotions by excess positivity. You may feel relief in the short term or have the satisfaction that you're healing, but in reality nothing gets solved. The feelings will surface again and the same negative patterns will repeat themselves until you face them. Face the darkness. Face the shadow. She must be integrated to make you whole. It's a balance. Being too far on either side hinders your healing process.
What is your shadow? Your shadow self is the part of your personality such as toxic traits that are hidden in your subconscious and suppressed by your ego self. You hide her from yourself and others because you feel ashamed or judgmental about her and your ego doesn't want to accept her. Shadow work is exposing this part of yourself and staring her straight in the face and potentially getting to the root of why she exists. You can then acknowledge, accept, and love this part of yourself and integrate her into your being. It allows you to become whole and will lead you to healing and peace and a more authentic life. This is hard work and why most will avoid it. You have to face that ugly, toxic part of yourself.
Here are signs that may indicate you haven't faced your shadow.
Overreacting or getting triggered by others or situations
Feeling jealousy, embarrassment, guilt, rejection, judgmental, or shame
Focusing too much on positivity
Inability to apologize
Inability to authentically share how you're feeling
Repeating negative patterns
Having pet peeves towards others
Integrating your shadow is a journey. No therapist, no spiritual guru, no life coach can do this for you. They can potentially assist, but you must be brave enough to face her yourself. The more you integrate your shadow you will create a deeper self-awareness, be more self-accepting, break negative cycles, tap into your creativity, improve relationships, and heal past life and generational trauma.
I know this phrase is overused, but you cannot have light without darkness. You must have both to be balanced and healthy. It’s the Yin and the Yang. It's the feminine and masculine. It's the moon and the sun. Our planet is lacking the beautiful, dark, delicious, destructive and creative power of the Feminine. We must all embrace it and tap into it.
My first exposure to my shadow was in 2000 when I had a serious bout of depression. As I came out of that depression I wrote the following poem.
The Dark Follower
By the light of the day, your soul is uncovered.
You want to hide, but there is no shelter.
All around you is a feeling of hopelessness.
It’s like swimming in a sea of desperation,
constantly trying to find peace.
Unbalanced, twisting, relentless isolation,
overpowering your sense of being.
Beaten down by an unidentified dark shadow.
No way out of this above ground cave.
Eventually the light will come,
Not always in a pleasant way.
The pain will become dormant, never
completely ceasing.
It remains as a reminder—A reminder
of the dark follower.
While I faced many demons during this time period which led to the beginning of me living authentically, I still had work to do. Most of which has been done in the past 5 years. I recently wrote the poem below.
These days I reflect more and react less
I sit beside myself observing and diving into the black hole of pain instead of engaging triggers
Pain from trauma that has been experienced, passed down or programmed into me for lifetimes
Journeying to the depths of my shadow to understand who I am
Who am I?
I am stardust, I am crystal, I am galaxies, I am wonder, I am nature, I am light
I’m also darkness. A shadowy figure made of rejection, abandonment, control, and judgment that lurks around waiting for my nervous system to flinch
I breathe, I gaze, I imaginatively wrap myself in Mother Earth, life force energy, and love. I bring forward the gifts handed down from my ancestors and gained along my soul’s journey
I acknowledge, I accept, I integrate
Who am I?
I am a warrior, I am a healer, I am human, I am love, I am fucking magic
I am all of it.
When triggered by someone or something (triggered meaning a negative emotion is elicited) or in general feeling heavy emotions I will do the following:
Step away from the situation and center myself by taking deep breaths or doing a short meditation
I go into observation or witness mode almost as if I'm a third party to the situation
I take note of all the emotions I'm feeling
I detach from them for a bit and let them float around in front of me observing them one by one
I take each one and ask "when have I felt this before?", "How often?", "Is it always the same situation?"
I conduct some analysis to a degree based on the answers above to determine if I can get to the root of the emotions. Sometimes I do get an answer. The further down the healing path I go, the more I am able to get to the root of why I am triggered. 95% of the time my emotions have nothing to do with the actual situation that triggered me. Even If I don't come to answers on why this is happening I still do the next step.
I literally treat the emotions as if they are beings and tell them I acknowledge they are a part of me, I accept them, and I love them. And I put my arms out around them and pull them into me.
Another step to becoming whole.
Trusting Spirit
I’ve learned to trust those in the other worlds to guide me. Learn who I consider “Spirit” and how to listen to your own army guiding you.
I started this blog on November 23, 2022 and this is what I wrote:
I’ve learned to trust Spirit. She has guided me to stay home this winter and embrace the cold. At first I was like wtf?? Are you sure? Can’t be. I usually escape the winter. Escape means to break free. Interesting… as if the winter was to blame for my struggles. Why did I feel the need to break free? This is a recent need in the past 5 years. I used to love winters. The cold and dark has answers, my friends. Deep and delicious answers and I can’t wait to uncover them.
Well, it is now mid-January and shew! I have gone pretty deep. There was no escaping. I will detail in my next couple of blogs titled "Diving into your Shadow" and "The Fourth Dimension"
True freedom is the ability to feel peace no matter what physical location you’re in. Ask yourself if you physically need to be somewhere else to find peace or yourself, are you really going deep? This Earth is just a minor pit stop on our soul’s journey. It really shouldn’t matter where you physically reside in this snap shop of eternity. Ask yourself what you’re running from.
You may ask who is Spirit? One definition is a supernatural being or essence. I refer to her as my spirit guides, ancestors, higher self, angels, Gods/Goddesses, Source, faeries, dragons and any other magical being guiding my journey.
How do I communicate with Spirit? In the beginning communication mostly came from sitting in silence through meditation. Many times I would feel an energy near me and I will ask who it is and what the message is. This would come through as a vision or message. More recently I am getting a clear knowing of a message. Words will pop into my conscious space that are so clear. There are even times I will have a conversation with myself. There are times where I may feel anxiety about a situation or decision. I will allow myself to sit with those emotions and observe and evaluate them. And most of the time out of the blue I will get a resounding "Fuck Yes" or "Fuck No"! I will even say it out loud and there is my answer. This happens more quickly these days. I will give a situation or question to Spirit and trust I will be guided to my path. And guess what? I never revisit that situation or question again. I used to. I used to revisit and reanalyze my decisions. The amount of energy I wasted on this!
We all have Spirit and they are here to guide us on our journey. You can ask them for help at any time. You may hear people say they will put a situation/issue/decision out into the Universe. It's the same thing. I used to say this, but now I have a strong bond and relationship with Spirit. I see them and communicate with them regularly.
Other situations where Spirit has guided me:
Make art - I was guided in 2020 to make art and am still guided to continue making art even when I question it
Become a Reiki and sound healing practitioner
Starting a business/Stopping a business
Ending relationships
Places to travel
Places to live (exact home)
Walk away from a passion
Stay at my corporate job
Grow my hair long
Social media sabbaticals
Clear answers on paths
Being guided to help others during their “caterpillar” stage
Other messages that pertain to worldly or even other-worldly things - for example, I once received the message "wind is whispers from the Universe" and now I love wind. I just listen and I gain more clarity and feel my vibration rising when the wind howls!
When you're struggling with a situation take some time and sit in silence, connect to Nature, and ask for help. Ask for answers. Remember the answer may not come right away. It may come across as a message you see on tv or in a song or in a phrase you read. You will experience synchronicities where you are able to connect happenings that seem random, but really aren't. Pay attention to those. Pay attention to those goosebumps you get. That is an energy shift. Or it could be some other physical symptom to your body like ear itching or crown tingling. Pay attention to those moments when the chatter in your brain completely stops for no reason and you are made to ponder. Pay attention to those moments when you begin to daydream. There is a message or answer somewhere in all of this.
When you trust Spirit your life is divinely guided and much of the worry, anxiety, and fear you may experience will fall away.
The Matrix
I see many bragging about escaping the Matrix. What does that even mean? Does it mean to be totally off grid living off of the land? How many of us are actually doing that? Very few…
I believe it means breaking free from the shackles of past trauma and societal and religious programming, going inward and journeying back to yourself and connecting with Source, and using your experience to help others as a sense of purpose vs a sense of financial gain or status. All of this can be done from exactly where you are. There is no need to escape physically.
What it doesn't mean is quitting your job and moving to Bali. While this may be part of it for your particular journey, it's not a requirement for all. Let's face it. Not all of us can escape to some far off spiritual land. Some of us are single moms with no financial support (that was me). Some of us have aging parents that need assistance (that is me now). We all have a place and we all have a mission that is unique to us. So you're not failing if you can't travel off to Bali. It makes me cringe when I see those who do have that ability, placing themselves higher on the spiritual totem pole. That is ego and that is causing separation. Two things that are to be kept in check when moving along on a spiritual journey. Perhaps it's braver to stay in the arena and fight it out?
I'm here to tell you that you absolutely DO NOT have to physically escape to a "spiritual" land to move along on your spiritual journey. The field of consciousness knows no bounds of time, space, wealth or poverty, status, etc. You can spiritually grow from the comfort of your living room, tent, or city street. You can travel to places where money, status, importance mean nothing. In fact, they would be a hinderance in these particular places. I've traveled to so many places and timelines while in my modest home in Milton, Delaware. And there are others doing the same. I have no need to physically move or travel anywhere right now. Although, I would argue the land my home is surrounded by is pretty damn magical and others would agree…
I was feeling pressure on my spiritual journey to leave my corporate job, but recently received a clear message from my higher self that I am to stay and make impact there. In fact, I will make more impact by staying vs. leaving. All I have to do is to be 100% my authentic self in everything I do. I had this conversation with my manager and he's 100% on board. That is how change is made, folks. The Matrix does not equal your job. It is so much more.
Looking back in my life I made a clear decision in the year 2000 to be my authentic self. I had these two beings watching me and what was the most important thing I could teach them? It was to be comfortable in their own skin. If I was living some life that wasn't me, what was that teaching them? So I've strived to live an authentic life and show the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The point I'm making is we all have a purpose. Some are to escape to Bali to be with like-minded people to grow spiritually and some are to stay right where they are and resonate out into the Earth. No one journey is better than the other. We are all making impact. Unity.
Maybe Corporate Witch or Chief Consciousness Officer will be come a thing…